Touching my pain

by | Oct 27, 2020 | Uncategorised

Whoa! This is strong today.

I can trace the outline of what I sense is the shape of my pelvis deep into the muscle tissue. There is a sharp angle here… it feels like a curve there… as if my pain is illuminating the outline of the bone in the same way streetlights follow the curves of a road.

‘It’s okay, breathe…’ I tell myself.

I allow my attention to fall on to the pain with the same lightness that snow falls on a telephone wire. Settling where there is substance; exposing where pain is present.

Individual splinters of sensation carefully aligned to make a whole. When I breathe in, each splinter becomes a bright red in my awareness, a squeeze of extra tenderness, harmoniously synchronised, like a ripple travelling across the surface of water. On the outbreath, the pain ebbs away a little, also in unison.

My pain is minimal compared to what others experience on a daily if not hourly basis. But to me, it is still my pain. It will impact my life today like it has done every day for the last 6 years. Ignoring it, smothering it, externalising blame for it, shame and guilt caused by it have all come and gone – my pain remains.

Opening to it… touching into it… wherever possible with careful curiosity… allows me to see what may be needed in this moment to be with it. Counter intuitive as this seems, I have found holding it in gentle awareness, recognising its need for my care, love and attention has softened its edges.

Today I will be living with it as best as I can, which will allow my day to be the best it can be.

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